Self-care in dating and relationships
When did you last feel completely at peace with who you are, accepting of every part of yourself without judgment?
Bring to mind a time when you felt you were truly yourself and fully alive. How did it feel, physically mentally, emotionally? What was it you liked about yourself?
Now think of a time when you were “in the zone” socially– perhaps you were completely relaxed on holiday, or making a group of friends laugh over drinks. How did that happen? How did you feel?
Feeling like this has incredible implications for all our relationships, whether romantic, family, work, or friendships. When we are able to celebrate who we are and feel completely relaxed, our approach to dating and relating to others is much more authentic and attractive. We are more tolerant, more able to listen and be open-minded, less likely to get irritated by others and less sensitive to criticism.
Don’t you wish you could spend more of your time feeling that good?
If you spend most of your time rushing from one task to another, constantly juggling responsibilities and to-do lists, it’s not going to happen automatically. Self-care is something you need to schedule.
Is it exercise, candle-lit baths, ASMR, yoga, qi gong, mindfulness or other forms of meditation (perhaps using an app such as Insight Timer), journalling, country walks, or something else that works for you? Get your favourite activities scheduled into your diary on a regular basis. Set an alarm on your phone and make a pact with a friend to do the same so you know you’re not alone. Care for yourself and then it will be easier to care for others.
Like medication, we know these things don’t have an instant effect. They need to be done regularly and there may be many positive outcomes that you weren’t expecting: as well as improving our relationship with ourselves and others, it can increase our focus, help us sleep better and make us more compassionate towards ourselves and others.
When we have a presentation at work or an interview coming up, we schedule preparation time. We make notes, carry out research and make sure we won’t be disturbed. We might practise what we’re going to say and perhaps do some voice warm-ups or relaxation exercises.
If you’re going to prepare for a date, it makes sense to do the same. If you feel relaxed and good about yourself, you’ll be the best version of yourself. You’ll be less anxious about making a good impression and more confident about making sure the person is right for you. You can’t fake that.
Meditation and visualisation are especially powerful methods for doing this. If you can imagine a successful date or meeting in detail, you will start to believe it is possible. We have an in-built bias towards the negative and have to work hard to redress the balance. So training ourselves to imagine positive experiences and to focus on what is good about ourselves is something we have to work at.
This two minute meditation was designed to do exactly this. Use it just before a date. Schedule it in your diary now.
Sign up for Rachel’s online course, self-care in dating.
Further Reading
Self-Compassion: the proven power of being kind to yourself by Dr Kristin Neff
Fear: Essential Wisdom for Getting Through the Storm by Thich Nhat Hanh
The Art of Breathing by Dr Danny Penman
Finding My Right Mind: One Woman’s Experiment to Put Meditation to the Test by Vanessa Potter
A Book of Silence by Sara Maitland
Teach Us to Sit Still: A Sceptic’s Search for Health and Healing by Tim Parks
Lovingkindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness by Sharon Salzberg
Radical Compassion by Tara Brach
The Science of Meditation: How to Change Your Brain, Mind and Body by Daniel Goleman and Richard Davidson
